a whole bunch of nothing

i'm caught in a mix of emotions. i tend to say that a lot, but it's always true.  i'm so happy because i keep remembering all of the fun things i did on my vacation this past week, but at the same time i'm so stressed, anxious, and worried about the upcoming two weeks.  i've got so many things to do at school and church, that i just wish i had some device to skip over all of it.  i know it's all part of the "growing process" but it's so ... hard for the lack of a better word. 

it's kind of the same with the feelings i have towards God, sometimes.  i can feel so happy about what He's doing in my life, but at the same time, i can be so stressed out and brought down by all of the logistics of what i am called to do in return.  of course i want to serve Him, and of course i want to make a difference in the world around me, but in action, it always ends up being much harder than the pretty picture in my head i had of it.  dissappointment isn't quite the word for it though, it's more like, facing reality.  i'm the kind of person that will dream up these situations where everything goes as planned, and everything is amazing, but then when it comes to actually doing it, it obviously doesn't end up like that.  ...i'm not even sure why i'm thinking about this because nothing like this has happened very recently...

random thoughts are what it's all about in my head... nothing really makes sense in there.

change.

it is impossible for one person to personally affect hundreds of people.  well not in the way that i'm imagining change.  what am i talking about?   i'm talking about a total attitude adjustment, a complete re-vamp of everything you believe.  right now, i'm feeling kind of hopeless and slightly helpless.  i can't do this alone.  i can't even do this no matter how many people agree with me and want to help.  the only help that matters is God's help, period. 

every week you can go to splat, or agape, and you'll see people that don't even care about who God is, what He has done, or what He is still doing, but they still come.  they come for the fun of seeing their friends, of talking to them during service, of playing their psp during the sermon, and of sitting there to do nothing.  that is not what we exist for.  what amazes me is that people can hear the gospel over and over again, and not feel motivated to do anything at all.  actually, i'm not amazed; i'm frustrated, annoyed, and full out angry.  that is absolutely the most selfish thing i could imagine.  living like that not only means that you're living for yourself, but you're also bringing all of your friends with you.  all it takes is for one person to start talking, then a conversation gets going, then the next thing you know it, everyone around you can't focus, and there you go, you have distracted 10 people. 

however, changing people for good is a very different thing.  it's slow, and it's much more difficult.  in fact, i don't think that it's something that you yourself do at all.  if it was completely up to us, we would probably just do whatever we want, not caring about who or what we affected.  doing good works is something that God instills in you.  it is what you were meant to do, what you were created for.  it isn't like i can say that i am always doing good deeds, but i'm definitely putting in the effort.  but on top of that, you need to realize that God is the only One that can actually make that change happen.  no matter how much you try, you need to remember, and i keep forgetting, that it is not our works that can move others, but God's efforts. 

so, i challenge you to get change going.  don't do it alone.  and most of all, don't be the one telling everyone else to change.  let change change you.

person vs. God

this past week was so filled with emotions, it's hard to put them all in words.  there was such a swing from up to down that i didn't always know myself what i was feeling.  but to get my week into one sentence, i learned how to trust God in everything.

i don't really want to get too specific, because if you really know me, i've already told you all about this.  the gist of what i learned was that no matter what happens, and no matter how much you would like to do otherwise, you always have to make God your number one priority.  making decisions because of the spur of the moment is never something that i'll be known for doing, and i'm kind of glad.  it sounds silly, but i take pride in my over-thinking of every possibility that may come from my choices.  the only thing is, that i've never really needed to take into account how much my choices would affect others before, since normally, they don't affect anyone else but me.  but recently, i had to make the kind of decision that not only broke my heart to make, but it hurt someone else's too.  the thing is that i realized that no matter how much you may want something, it may not be worth taking it unless you feel like you can handle being without it.  if you are not completely satisfied with it being just you and God, what have you got?  though u may not think this far, but at the end of the world, when you stand before the one and only God, will you be able to say that He was the one that brought you through your difficult moments, or did you turn to things of this world? 

so if you ever have to make a choice where you have to weigh your wants versus what God wants from your life, consider this... you can only see the immediate outcomes of your decisions, but God can see what happens for all of eternity; whose opinion would you trust most?

it's not fair

"it's not fair."

"i don't deserve this."

two phrases that we hear all the time.  what do we think we deserve? what have we done that would actually constitute us getting something for the deeds we have done?  i can't say that i've done anything amazingly good-willed, miraculous, or particularly selfless. i can't say that i've saved a life, or even gone out of my way just once a day for someone.  what i'm saying is that we live in a world of entitlement. we, as teens, canadians, human beings, believe that the world was made and created to cater towards anything and everything we want. 

we deserve the shoes we want.

we should get the grades we want.

we have to have every need attended to.

it isn't any genius realization that brings me to this, because it should be obvious to everyone. when u listen to music, you're listening to your iPod with your iTunes songs on it. then, u go on msn and type up a little blog kind of like this on your myspace page.  it's always me me me.

i'm not saying this as if i'm above all of this, because if i were, i wouldn't need to write about it.  actually, i'm front and centre in this issue. to tell you the truth, i'm constantly wondering why things didn't go my way.  it's so stupid though, because i know that it isn't my deeds that can get me anywhere.  nothing i can do in my own power will get me anywhere, actually.  in essence, this is what i got from doing the 30 hr famine.  what happens (for those who don't know) is that volunteers refuse themselves of food for 30 hours while collecting money from sponsors.  all of the money goes towards world vision so that they can help fight the battle against world hunger. at first i was all "yay, i'm gonna help end hunger!"  i never really realized the mindset that these people are in.  during those 30 hours, all i could think about was food! in the first few hours, i wasn't hungry, but i just thought about food because i kept remembering that i was on the famine.  but then as the hours went on, i realized that i wasn't going to be eating for a very long time. one meal went by, and then another. then it struck me that even though i'm doing the famine and everything, i still know when it'll be broken. i know that i'm going to eat today. people in third world countries don't know that. if they ate today, they'd be lucky and thankful for that matter. it's just crazy for any north american to even understand what it's like not to know when your next meal will be. it's just something completely unheard of in our world of entitlement.